Disappear

I attended the Rose Festival in Portland last night and heard a performance by a Christian artist named Mark Harris and he sang a song that had a chorus line talking about when we get to Heaven, there we will disappear. And something struck me.

I once had a nightmare that is the closest thing to a vision I've ever encountered. Visually there wasn't much to 'see' like you would with ordinary dreams, but there was a feeling, a sensation. I felt like I wasn't just going to die, but that my entire existence would be eradicated- there would be no me past, present, or future. There would be no record or memory of me having ever existed. (There is a minor controversy in the church regarding what happens to those going to hell. Do they live in eternal suffering and torment? Or do they experience a 'second death' and get completely obliterated? I now side with the latter due to 'personal experience.')

I've always been afraid of dying young. I guess in my vaulted self-image I felt I had too much to contribute and it would just be really sad if I expired before I could make a valuable contribution to this earth. But I've always been afraid of losing...me.

Yoda once said to Anakin Skywalker, "You must train yourself to let go of that which you fear to lose." I like the concept of training oneself- I think that is a key concept that we miss out on in our daily lives. A concept I, admittedly, am very poor at, but at least I'm thinking about it with the conviction that those thoughts will translate into action someday. But I suddenly saw a new application for this statement. I had thought about losing a loved one, or having to give up my art, my passion. But what about myself? I'm afraid of losing myself. And though it might not be generally wise to follow the advice of a computer animated green 'person,' I think there is some truth to what he said.

Jesus said whoever saves his own life will lose it, and whoever loses his life, for Christ's sake, will find it. Ironically, the thing that I fear the most, losing my life, is the very thing I must do. Either way, truthfully, I'm going to lose my life. The choice is whether I'm going to have it obliterated, or if I'm going to choose to give my life up, and contribute to the praise and glory of the One who gave it to me in the first place.