What Christ means to me

What Christ means to me.

So I'm 'Sub-ing' for Columbia Christian School and I was asked to give a personal testimony of 'What Christ means to me" to a freshman class looking at the Life of Christ. I thought I would use it as my re-entry into bloglife. Thank you, I'm honored to be back.

I think this came at a good time (providence?) as I feel my relationship to Christ, or perhaps, more accurately, my understanding of Christ is in transition, and so this gives me opportunity to evaluate where I am and where I feel called to go. I am currently fascinated by Paul's words that "to live is Christ." That is what I'm currently trying to figure out- what does it mean that my living is Christ? To discover this, I am trying (also according to Paul's verbage) to "know nothing except Christ and Him crucified" and/or "to know Christ and the power of His resurrection." More on this later.
I've recently read a statement that goes to the tune "it's not what happens to you that is important, but the meaning you ascribe what happens to you is important." The crux of the matter is our interpretation of events. So here are some of the events of my life and my interpretation.
I, first and foremost, feel I am called to be an artist. It was like scales falling from my eyes when I saw, completed, one of my first semi-abstract paintings in my first painting class as an art major at Pepperdine University. Art was chosen as a major more because I had always drawn well my entire life and I didn't know what else to do. But that moment, that came halfway through my Junior year, confirmed my decision- I was going to be an artist for the rest of my life. My initial thought, perhaps also prompted with a lifelong desire to teach, was to become an art teacher and that would give me a steady income to provide my livelihood and give me time (especially during summers) to do my art and become a fabulously famous art star. So I pursued my studies and received my MFA (Master of Fine Arts) so that I could teach at the college level. Graduation day came but there were no teaching jobs on the horizon, and I had already started a family that now, for some reason, needed me to provide for their food, clothing, and shelter. Go figure. So we jump ship to Kentucky to live with my wife's parents (free shelter and sometimes food) so the financial burden was lighter. A job as a customer service rep for a company that sponsored business leadership seminars provided, somewhat meagerly, for other necessities of life (school loan payments not being one of those necessities- a life of financial hardship had begun). Oddly enough, I was introduced to the ideas of quantum physics while in Kentucky. Many of the leadership material drew lessons from implications of a new understanding of the world afforded by quantum mechanics. Again, more on this later.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. My wife's parents became missionaries in Croatia and decided to sell the house. Goodbye free rent. But- that same week I received a call from Pepperdine asking me if I wanted to teach on a temporary contract. Cool- my teaching career will begin; I'll get some teaching experience, I'll be back in the LA area and can get connected to the art scene; this temporary position will lead to other teaching positions and initial success in the art world- all is coming together.
What started as the hope of three years of teaching ended with only one year (budget constriants, not enough art students to support another faculty member) and things went into emergency mode. (By the way, there are now two children wanting to be fed! Economics- demand increases but the supply was decreasing.) Through some initial contacts throughout the years, I was able to begin teaching, albeit part time, at Abilene Christian University in Abilene, TX. Cross country move #3 in 4 years of marriage- not recommended, by the way.
Abilene was both an incredible blessing and an incredibly difficult period at the same time. (Interesting side note- quantum physics is still rolling through my head and one of the basic starting points was the discovered fact that light is both a particle and a wave. This duality is now played out in my life- blessing and hardship are two sides of the same coin.) I taught, and learned much about art- still believed to be my calling. But the art market in Abilene is a far cry from the environment to accept my 'difficult' work (as my wife describes it, mine is the work that people question, "Oh, so that's art?") Teaching part time is the interesting combination of working full time but being paid less than minimum wage, if calculated over the entire year. So the financial struggles continued, in fact worsened, as two more children are thrown into the mix. Having failed to secure, twice, a full time teaching position at ACU (for 'political' reasons) I was at my wits end. The teaching thing wasn't working which meant that nothing else was working out either.
In the background, though, was a plan unfolding. Rewind to my wife's childhood, before we even met. She spent the better part of her growing up in the Pacific Northwest- Vancouver, WA and Portland, OR. Through her connections there she met some people that eventually started an inner city church called PUMP. Melinda has always felt a calling to inner city missions and particularly felt compelled to help pregnant teens. In a moment where I was questioning whether to pursue teaching or try a career change she came to me and said, "Instead of pursuing your career, why don't we move to Portland and we start a non-profit working with PUMP to help pregnant teens?" I agreed instantly.
Financially we're not in the clear. We are beginning to fundraise and I'm looking for employment (after a failed attempt at selling mortgages) to pay the bills until we're on our feet with this and/or other endeavors (the art career is beginning without the aid of teaching). So I can swap tales of woe with some of the best of them. But I'm back to 'it's not what happens but the meanings that you attribute to them.' Again, I feel called to be an artist. That means I need to understand my art, or at least have a notion of what it is about and where I'm trying to go. Every place I've been has fed into that. Quantum physics has given me a set of reference points to approach the reasons why things happen. Those cause-effect relationships are what my art is about. And I wouldn't have known that without Kentucky, and the years teaching at Pepperdine and ACU. Abilene was hard but was a blessing, medically (won't go into the details here) for some of our children.
So what does it mean to "live is Christ?" Don't know. But I think maybe part of it is that it is not about me and how (financially) comfortable I am. But it's about what Christ is trying to teach me. It is about the preparations for the life to which He has called me. There is a power in Christ, signified by His death and especially His resurrection, that I feel is beginning to unfold for me. I don't feel as focused and compelled as Paul in his quest for understanding, but I feel I'm getting there. It has certainly helped going over my recent history. Because I know there is a God- I don't believe I would be having these thoughts were He not alive and guiding my thoughts. The fact that I am learning from these events, that I feel there is something to learn and am searching for it, means that He is in me. His power is in me. It's been guiding me all along, whether I saw it or not. His plan for me has been unfolding. Instead of a life of failure, which I can construe the events to be, it has been a life of preparation. I haven't missed the boat, I just haven't reached it yet. Christ means there is something more for me. And there is something more for you.