The Best Advice I Ever Received

I've been thinking a lot about marriage recently.

It's something Melinda and I talk about quite a bit, actually.  But we don't just talk about our marriage- we talk about marriage in general.  And I think that is key.  And it reflects a perspective I gained when hearing what I consider to be the best advice I've ever received.

Melinda's father performed our wedding.  But living in a different state at the time, he could not have us in a full pre-marital counseling program that he usually liked to have with couples.  But there were a couple of things he really wanted to say to us so one time while they were out visiting before the wedding, he gave us his 'crash course' in marriage.

The Arnolfini Wedding by Jan Van Eyck

Now, I'm all about gaining new perspectives.  It's what fascinates me about and draws me towards art.  Because you are able to gain new conceptions of seemingly mundane, ordinary things.  We all have ideas about how things are supposed to be.  Whether we're fully conscious of it or not, we have images in our head- be they abstract signs of relationships or clear pictures of people, examples that embody our ideal.  I wasn't really conscious of my images of marriage at the time- most likely I had pictures of my parents' relationship.  But I was about to become aware of a new vision, a new conception of marriage that continues to affect me to this day.

In this 'crash course,' my future father-in-law said that in marriage there are actually three commitments- one is to God, one is to your spouse, and one is to... marriage.  Having grown up Christian, the commitment to God was a no-brainer.  And the commitment to your spouse?  Duh!  But a commitment to marriage itself gave my brain a little twist.  Marriage was a separate entity that was beyond Melinda's and my relationship to each other.  But that separate-ness has made a huge difference in our relationship.

We all get mad at our spouse.  We are never going to agree all the time.  And sometimes it is difficult to love the other person. And for those reasons, if the marriage is only about your relationship with that person- how you're feeling towards them, or how they're feeling about you- then I fear the marriage could very easily be derailed.  But when I think about the marriage- about what is required for a good marriage, then a whole new dynamic develops.

I've noticed at least two main benefits from taking this perspective.  First, I've done things that I wouldn't have done just based on my moment-to-moment feelings.  It has compelled me to stand back and look at what a good marriage is and given me a yardstick with which to measure my performance.  If I just stayed with how I felt, I could probably come up with many things to complain about.  Perhaps those complaints would develop into anger and bitterness.  And, of course,  I'm sure I would never be at fault because we never blame ourselves when we're just looking at our feelings. Right?

The second benefit is thankfulness.  When I compare my performance with a yardstick that is not emotionally charged, I find all the ways in which I've been a poor, miserable slouch (to put it mildly) and I feel truly thankful and blessed that my wonderful wife has put up with me and still chooses me on a daily basis.  But wait- what happened to all the blame and hurt and bitterness alluded to in the last paragraph?  That's right, it can't be sustained when you have a clearer picture of things.  And when I'm truly thankful for my wife, it's MUCH easier to love her than when I'm angry at her.

So to sustain a good marriage, I can't just look at how I'm feeling.  I have to look at marriage itself- and sustain my commitment to it.

In this season of reflection and resolutions, I encourage you to take stock of your commitments- and regardless of your feelings- commit to that ideal.